“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm, but the harm [that they cause] does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.”
~ T. S. Eliot
1.Narcissists have no real empathy. Just fake sympathy. Empathy is the ability to actually feel what another person is feeling, and to put yourself in their shoes and view an event from their perspective. Narcissist can’t empathize because they feel they are superior to all the mere mortals on our planet. If a friend or family has a significant health event like surgery they won’t stop by or call to see how the person is doing. You’ll be lucky if they take a few seconds to text them. The next time they see the person they will make excuses why they were too busy. That’s superficial sympathy not authentic empathy.
2.Narcissists are bullies. They enjoy being mean and contemptuous to other people. They bark at the hostess when they aren’t seated immediately. They speak condescendingly to people they work with who make less money than they do. They make mean comments about coworkers behind their back’s. They treat anyone they perceive to be less then them (which in their eyes is most of the world) as third class citizens. Their friends and family often refer to it as “getting her claws out“.
3.Narcissists are drama queens and love to gossip. They love drama so much they will create it were it does not exist. Kind of like their own version of TMZ. They will introduce you warmly to an old friend and as they walk away tell you all about his affair and drinking problems. They will tell you in front of a coworker how productive and helpful they are and as they walk away tell you how she cheats on her boyfriend and is an alcoholic and irresponsible.
4.Narcissists complement your appearance in order to get a complement themselves. They will tell you how awesome your new haircut looks – the same when you’ve had for years – in order to fish for a complement on their day at the spa. They’ll pretend to love your new jeans, the same ones you’ve worn for a year, to fish for a complement on their new clothes. Compliments from a narcissist are not sincere. They sound awkward and contrived because they are.
5.Narcissists listen to reply, not understand. They will look you in the eyes as if they are truly listening when in fact they aren’t. If what you are saying doesn’t agree completely with their version of the story or opinion, they will interrupt with a ready-made reply . Nothing substantial or of substance. Just enough to get attention off of you and back onto them.
7.Narcissists have no integrity and are pathological liars. In a romantic relationship you need to be able to depend on your partner. Relationships are all about trust. How can you trust someone who lies constantly and you can never count on? It’s simple – You can’t. Narcissists call it “changing their mind”. And tell you that you need to be more “flexible”. They will commit felonies and misdemeanors and just laugh and say “Who cares…no one will ever know’.
8.Narcissists are extremely judgmental. They report with regularity how they believe other parents aren’t doing a satisfactory job of raising their children. Because, of course, no one can raise a child and be as awesome of a parent as they are. They look at other people who have bigger homes or newer cars and declare they must’ve cheated or their way slept their way to get the social status and material goods that they now enjoy. In actuality, the other person likely just worked hard.
9.Narcissists complain about gifts. Narcissists are convinced no one can be as good as they are giving gifts and no gift is good enough to genuinely please them. Spend time working on and creating a unique personalized piece of jewelry that combined elements of her desires, her favorite colors and her heritage? That’s not good enough for her. Plan a complex trip to visit multiple countries and she will complain that she didn’t get to fly first class. If you surprise her with notes and cards to share your feelings, there won’t be any in return because, oh, it would take her too long to go to the store a block away and pick one out. Ouch.
10.Narcissists are cheap and don’t pay back money they owe. They have plenty of money for what they want but not what they need or what might assist the relationship. They have money for personal luxury items but none to contribute to the vacation you both want to take. When they do agree to contribute some token amount, you will never see it. They complain that their coworkers are cheap but they buy their friends and coworkers the cheapest gifts they can find at the dollar store.
11.Narcissists isolate you. They want your world to revolve around them. Any time you spend with other people lessens their hold on you in their minds. Go to the hospital to visit your mother who just had surgery and the narcissist will call you selfish and stonewall you for 24 to 48 hours as punishment. Go visit your brother and his family is another city that she doesn’t want to visit and you will be accused of visiting or seeing another woman. Talk with a female friend from your childhood for 20 minutes on a public street and you’ll be accused of sleeping with her.
12.Narcissists use three keywords more than the general public: militant, odd and hate. Militant is the adjective they use to describe anyone who disagrees with them or any socially accepted rule of behavior they don’t personally like. Odd is the word they use in front of others to accuse you of being unfaithful. “It was odd you said hello to that woman in the restaurant”. Hate is the word they use to describe you when you don’t absolutely love something they think you should. If you express that the recent movie you saw together was average, she will tell friends and family you hated it.
13.Narcissists are not interested in self-help or growth. First of all they see themselves as was perfect, so why would they need help? Engaging in self help such as reading, talk therapy or dealing with their past in any way or form never happens.
14.Narcissists are masters of seduction. They make Anthony Weiner look like the rank amateur he is. Most are extremely attractive, which is how they get away with a lot of their BS. They use sex and seduction to keep power over their prey and to distract them from the real issues at hand. Instead of talking through a disagreement and working on a solution, they prefer having sex first to actually working to improve your relationship.
15.Narcissists are annoying backseat drivers. They will dangerously distract you with sudden and loud outbursts insisting on what they feel you should be doing or not doing while you are driving. At the same time, she will drive 90+ mph while texting at the same time and think absolutely nothing of it.
16. Narcissists compare you to their exes. They will offer an unsolicited gallop poll of what their exes would say in this given situation and how wrong you are because their ex’s opinions were considerably different. There is an old saying: defeated generals do not give advice on the art of war.
17. Narcissists love to beat a dead horse. They will repeat their position over and over ad nauseum, as if saying it an additional dozen times makes it any less false or crazy than it was originally. If you are looking for a true solution to an issue in your relationship and clear communication, you are in the wrong place.